The Story Behind My Painting “3,149 Days”
- Jeremy Faivre
- Sep 11, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 30, 2024
“3,149 Days” is more than just a 18” by 24” acrylic painting. It is a visual representation of an emotional journey—one that lasted exactly 3,149 days, or 8 and a half years, during which I endured the highs and lows of a toxic, abusive, and narcissistic relationship. This piece encapsulates every negative emotion I experienced while being trapped in that cycle, from the initial feelings of love and hope to the suffocating grip of manipulation, gaslighting, and violence. This piece is deeply personal, inspired not only by my own experience but also by the powerful rendition of Billie Eilish’s song “Happier Than Ever,” as covered by the band Loveless.
The story began when I was just 17 years old. Like many young people, I fell deeply in love. But I soon realized that the person I had chosen to give my heart to wasn’t the right one for me. The woman I fell in love with had grown up in a broken family, and the deep wounds from her childhood never fully healed. Her father abandoned her and her siblings when she was only 6 years old. This loss left a lasting scar, shaping her into the adult she would eventually become—someone who struggled deeply with trust, someone who needed to control everything and everyone around her, and someone whose ego was so fragile that even the smallest critique would shatter her sense of self.
As our relationship progressed, these tendencies revealed themselves more and more. She never took responsibility for her actions; instead, she deflected and placed the blame on others. The constant manipulation and gaslighting made communication nearly impossible. It didn’t matter what I did—whether I tried to reason with her or even just stand up for myself—according to her, I was always wrong. Any attempts to establish boundaries or have honest conversations about her behavior only escalated into more toxicity. Eventually, when words no longer had their desired effect, she resorted to violence.
The physical scars on the arms depicted in my painting are identical to the very cuts I carry on my own arms, wounds from the times she attacked me with a chef’s knife. Those lacerations became symbols of not just physical pain but the emotional torment I endured. The painting's arms are meant to reflect my own vulnerability, with every cut representing a moment when I tried to stand up against her manipulation, only to be met with more suffering.
Despite all of this, I stayed in the relationship for 8 and a half years. Why? Because I could still see the broken, hurting person beneath her narcissism. I loved her, and part of me hoped that my love would be enough to heal her. But over time, I came to understand that her pain was something far deeper than what I could address. She needed help that neither I nor anyone else could provide—help that only a higher power could offer.
The Influence of Music: Loveless’ “Happier Than Ever”
The song “Happier Than Ever” by Billie Eilish resonated with me long before I encountered Loveless’ cover of it. However, their rendition transformed the song into something even more visceral, raw, and intense. It became the perfect soundtrack to the painting process. The band’s passionate delivery of lyrics building up to the chorus like “Cuz I’d never treat me this s****y, you made me hate this city,” and lines in the chorus itself like “You were my everything and all that you did was make me f*****g sad,” and “Never paid any mind to my mother or friends so I shut them all out for you ‘cause I was a kid” mirrored the feelings I had been holding onto for those eight and a half years. Which resulted in me connecting to every word in this powerful song in a way that felt truly unique.
In particular, Loveless’ version of the song, with its heavier rock sound, amplified the catharsis I sought. Just like the emotional build-up in the song, “3,149 Days” mirrors that crescendo—starting quietly with the quiet endurance of daily emotional abuse and building toward the explosive realization that I could finally break free. The painting encapsulates that journey, just as the song does: from quiet suffering to loud, unapologetic liberation.
Here’s a link to the song if you’d like to give it a listen:
Final Thoughts
"3,149 Days" is a reflection of the emotional scars left behind by my time in that relationship. The lacerated arms serve as a reminder of the struggle, the pain, and the desperation of loving someone who was too lost in their own suffering to accept love in return. Every brushstroke in this painting speaks to the suffocating weight of being trapped in a toxic cycle, and yet it also tells the story of survival—of making it through to the other side, and overcoming my own toxic self I became while being with an abusive partner, even with the scars that remain.
This painting is for anyone who has ever found themselves in a similar situation, feeling lost, powerless, and questioning their own reality. It serves as a reminder that healing is possible, even after the darkest of times.
As of writing, the original 3,149 Days painting is currently available to purchase. Printed reproductions are also available as well! Here’s the link to the online listing page:
Comments